I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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