Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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