So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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