Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
