What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
