The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
