I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
