I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
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i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
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We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.