I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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