Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
