Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
