mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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