I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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