She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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