Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
