I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner