david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
P.S. I can't hear my feet
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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