Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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