i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
