If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
