I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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