I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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