Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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