Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
