We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
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today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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