I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
