the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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