billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
