Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize