Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
