Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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