Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
