Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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