If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
