I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
