I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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