Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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