i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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