What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
