I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
