How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
