I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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