I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
