so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
