I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
