Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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