Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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