I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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