Where did you get a picture of my penis
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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