After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize