That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
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Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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