My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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