Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
