How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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