You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
