and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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