I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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